I decided to write my stream of consciousness as an example of how, if we listen, we can find a deep truth underneath what is going on so rapidly in our minds. This was on a day where I found myself scanning what to do to fill space. This day, something old came up that I was surprised about but thankful that it did so I could integrate an old belief into a new ally. Here goes…
I am sitting here with a break in my day. I could plug into social media sites to keep up with them. I can organize my office and do more admin work. I can re-edit one part of my book that has been on my mind. There’s always more. Having to do more. The doing doesn’t stop.
Why does this feel uncomfortable? I am waiting – waiting for something to happen. What is it? I don’t know; just something. Something more. The moment I feel out of tasks to fill space externally, the more uncomfortable I become.
Am I really uncomfortable with sitting?” “Maybe with silence?” Then, it hits me: my tendency at times is to search for “more” outside of myself, and this takes shape by doing tasks that may distract me from myself. When I am in the process of doing, I can feel accomplished and productive while masking what lurks beneath the surface in the shadows. How come it doesn’t dawn on me that the type of more I am wanting doesn’t come from anything outside of myself, although it clearly appears that way? The type of more I want is within but I am so distracted, I cannot allow myself to slow down long enough to go there. I almost feel sad about this. Why?
What am I not wanting to find within the stillness of myself?
First thing that comes up, “Am I enough?”
Really? Come on! After all these years, the not-enough-card comes up again? I am going to challenge this thought, belief, and feeling that is obviously not from present time. Then, it hits me. Doing can be an action that keeps me from the truth. It is not the truth. The truth is: I AM. My BEING is always enough, otherwise I would not be in existence.
I breathe. I sit with this truth. I travel further inward. Calmness.
A sense of gratitude and relief comes up as I touch upon this truth. The truth of who I am doesn’t have any action to do in any form. It just is. No pressure to do anything more. I can breathe. In fact, I can breath deeply. Deeper than I have in a while. I feel my breath touch the parts of me that just wanted to be held and told “you are enough.” The parts that searched for filling my time so I can get to a certain place to feel like I have accomplished enough – even though we all know “enough” is usually an illusory moving target.
I feel space. I feel my feet. I feel what it feels like to completely inhabit my body. Thank you body for proving me a human experience. There is so much more to this life game than how I have been playing; at least today. What happened to the joy, the risk, the journey, the mystery and wonder of it all? Now, I will play this game for the rest of the day as though it is my first time ever playing. Taking in all the joys, stumbles, chutes and ladders. I will roll the dice. I will move the pieces. I will enjoy the process because in the end, it doesn’t matter if I win or lose. My need for a result has left, along with the energy of DOING. Life is moving both inside and out.
The anxiety is gone. Things look different. I feel different. All I had to do was to slow down and become aware of what I was feeling, enough to go underneath it and connect to this unwavering truth that never leaves and is always present if I can see it.
I AM enough. We ARE enough. Thank you for this moment of chaos so I can find the stillness. In this stillness I AM. That is always ENOUGH.
