The sun sets and says goodbye
I have never been comfortable with goodbyes. Something about them seemed awkward, uncomfortable and full of resistance. As a child, goodbyes were especially hard. Well, I’m not a child anymore, yet one still exists inside of me. Last week was the 8th anniversary of my father’s passing, and I am reminded of why I never liked goodbyes. The finality. The wonder if the goodbye is for good or will there truly be another time to say hello again?
In this case, 8 years ago was a goodbye, however, far from final. This goodbye has lasted 8 years and keeps on going. For any of you who have ever had a loved one leave the planet, I think you know what I am talking about. Goodbyes change as you change through the years. The way I had said goodbye to my father when he passed was very different than how I said goodbye to him 3 years ago. It is different from how I say goodbye to him now.
While the goodbye now seems more like an honoring, remembering who he was as a person and what he meant to me, I find myself saying hello more than goodbye. What do I mean? I spent years slowly grieving this feeling of “loss” of how I knew our relationship to be when he was alive. Even with people whom I Life Coach, I do find grief is a process that can take some time. Once this happened, I moved on from the stuck point where our goodbye to each other felt frozen in time, echoing a painful reverberation that sounded inside of me at my most quiet moments; that child of a parent who would always be the child of that parent.
Then, a year ago, a hello happened. When thinking of him and missing him, I said hello from the me that of course was his child, but also the me who is now a father of two girls and a complete adult, embedded in my own family. This hello lasted for a handful of minutes as I shared with him my life now and updated my own view of myself in the process.
Then, I realized something.
I will always keep saying goodbye by honoring who he was, what I miss of him and how I knew him. Being a producer, he would condone the phrase, “The show must go on.” That show being my very own life show where he can now help “produce” from his directors chair from the part of the universe that is unseen. It is a new show and he will always be with me as I know I will be with him. The goodbyes will continue just as new hellos will continue as I share with him my life now from the present moment.
We cannot ever say goodbye for good because everything we have experienced is a part of us. And we can say “hello” to ourselves and others, for each time we say hello, we meet from a new place of beginning, even if having shared a long past. In this way, goodbye and hello just move in concentric circles meeting in new places as these two become one.
Goodbye Pops. I thank you for creating your dreams and for me being a part of them.
Hello Pops. I live in a wonderful place with my wife and two amazingly, special daughters. I get to help people on this mysterious journey we call life. Although I know I cannot give you a huge hug, clad in your robe and pipe, I hug you in the ethers knowing what I know now. Knowing that you will receive the words and energy in some way, somehow.
Goodbye. Hello. I love you…